


Steady

by voidnephilim



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Comfort, Cuddling, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29582322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidnephilim/pseuds/voidnephilim
Summary: Neil's voice was quiet and familiar, Andrew knew he was at home, just listening to Neil speaking.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 137





	Steady

That day, Andrew really had a hard time going through all his lessons. He and Neil didn't share any classes and Andrew had been stuck on his own since morning. He tried his best to concentrate, or at least to pretend to pay attention, but his head felt heavy and his body was numb. He found himself picking at his lips more than once, just to calm down. He tasted the blood in his mouth and forced to stop. His classmates were loud, too loud for him to bear and the teachers didn't help him calm his nerves. Their voices were like scratches on thin glass, loud and insufferable.

The classroom was big and the sun shone right through the windows, making the room too hot and sunny for him. Andrew could almost feel the headache making his way through his brain. It felt like his skull was shrinking, squeezing his brain so hard it was starting to melt. Andrew was hot, even if he tried to cool down rolling up the sleeves of his hoodie. Shivers kept running down his spine, and the soft fabric felt like sandpaper on his skin.

It was hard, being trapped in that room. It was hard not to burst into a full breakdown.

He tried to hold on to memories, the good kind of memories.

The first time he saw Neil, running through that corridor in Milliport, and the way he had to stop him, a racquet right in his guts. The first time he brought Neil to Columbia, the fear in his eyes when he realized what Andrew had done to him, the relief on his face when they came up with an agreement. When Neil went full feral animal mode while talking to Riko on national television, when Andrew swore to protect him. He felt kinda bad, for what he made him go through, but he knew Neil forgave him for that so he didn't worry, not anymore. He knew Neil understood his reasons. They never talked about all that happened, they didn't need to. Neil was always there for Andrew, and he hoped it was the same the other way around. He hoped he was doing enough for him.

He thought about the day he finally reunited with Neil in Baltimore after he went missing. He remembered the relief on the boy's face when he realized that Andrew would have never asked him to leave. He remembered the way Neil clung to his shirt with his injured fingers, covered in bloody bandages. He remembered letting his guard down. He hated himself for that but he could never hate Neil for making him.

He trusted Neil, and this was his greatest sin. He always thought he would have never let anyone make him feel that way. So helpless but so powerful at the same time. It was terrifying.

After everything they went through, last year, their life in Palmetto was sort of boring, almost too plain for them. But Neil seemed happy with it and so did Andrew. He never actually told him so though.

Andrew tightened the grip on the pen he was holding and he heard the plastic creaking under his fingers. It almost broke in his hand, releasing the black ink all over the desk, before Andrew realized how hard he was holding it. The heart was pumping faster and faster every second that passed as if it wanted to explode. It had been so long since the last time he felt that way. Sometimes he wished he was still on drugs, at least he could blame something else for that uncomfortable feeling of sickness. But now, there were only him and the wave of feelings he couldn't understand.

Trying to concentrate was almost impossible, every sound was too loud, every light too bright. Even the gentle tap of the nails of the girl sitting in front of him sounded like gunshots. He inspired, closing his eyes only for a moment, and released a shaky breath. He focused on every steady thing he could find. Not the steps his teacher was taking around his desk, not the sound of his heart pounding, not the chirping of the birds outside. When Neil and he had common lessons, he usually focused on the boy's hands. On the way they weirdly gripped on the pen, while Neil was taking notes, his grip was a peculiar one. He couldn't even describe it. It was almost as if he was never taught the right way to hold a pen. It never ceased to amaze, and annoy, Andrew.

But now Neil wasn't with him so he found himself thinking of Nicky, his cousin was the best when it came to panic attacks. He would never admit it but he knew how to calm him. So he just tried to repeat what Nicky usually told him.

He closed his eyes but didn't squeeze them so the sunny light was still there, right under his eyelids.

He inhaled deeply, counting to six.

He held his breath, counting to seven.

He exhaled slowly, counting to eight.

It took him more tries than he intended but he finally managed to pull himself together, even if the sickness was still there. The persistent feeling right in his stomach that made him feel like he was floating in space, the air burning in his lungs and his head spinning non-stop.

He just wished that day would finish soon.

\--------  
  


After his last class, Andrew ran into the parking lot, lighting up a cigarette with unsteady hands. The first drags burned against his throat and almost felt somehow wrong, then the acre taste of nicotine exploded in his mouth.

When he finally made it to his car, he already smoked two cigarettes, even though he let the first one burn to the filter. He jumped in his car, the familiar feeling of the steering wheel under his palms was relaxing.

Why he waited a couple of minutes to start the engine, he didn't know.

  
\--------

After a short drive, he opened the door of the suite he shared with Neil and Kevin and immediately felt Neil's gaze on him. He and Kevin were on the beanbags, watching last night's match. He didn't bother checking the two teams, he didn't care enough to. He just overpassed his two teammates, without saying anything, and headed for the bedroom. He needed some time alone, just some time to spend focusing on his thoughts to avoid the panic to take over him.

«Hey. Long day?» he didn't hear Neil come in, his footsteps were quiet, so he flinched a little. Neil didn't seem to notice, or he pretended not to. Andrew just shrugged before sitting at the edge of their bed, to kick his heavy boots in a corner of the room.

The soft carpet under his feet felt wrong at that moment as if it was yet another thing designed to make him feel unsteady.

«Endless» he finally said.

«Do you want a cup of hot cocoa? Or maybe ice cream? Kevin and I bought some today» Andrew looked at him, while he shifted his weight from one foot to the other and leaned on the door frame. There was no sign of tension in his body, Andrew found it somehow comforting. His eyes were the only expression of worry he could read so he tried not to look at them.

He hugged his knees and put his chin above them, just before shaking his head. Neil released an unsteady breath. He knew that look, the worried stare he was giving him. He hated that stare, it made him feel vulnerable. He knew what Neil thought of him, he would have never called him weak but the fear of Neil leaving him for his emotions was always there in his moments of panic.

«Alright, I'll be in the other room if you need something» Neil smiled, tilting his head on one side. The scars on the right side of his face crumpled a little, Andrew forced himself to shift his gaze. «Are you sure you're okay?» he added, his voice was soft, warm, and sounded like home. Andrew closed his eyes and let the sound slide through his body. His muscles didn't relax but he felt the change in his heart rate. He unwillingly lifted a hand, pressed two of his fingers on the throat, and tapped rhythmically when he finally found his pulse. Neil was still under the door frame, the handle in his left hand.

Andrew couldn't reply, his voice was trapped in the back of his throat. He didn't want Neil to leave but didn't know how to tell him.

Neil turned around, to go back to whatever important exy stuff he was doing with Kevin.

«Wait» he finally managed to say, almost too quietly for anyone to hear. But Neil stopped and looked at him for a bit. He looked down at Andrew's hands, noticing the way he couldn't stop picking at the skin around his nails. Andrew didn't manage to say anything else but he didn't have to.

«Okay,» Neil said, closing the door just behind him. He sat on the other side of the bed, his legs crossed. He didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, he just looked at Andrew with steady eyes. And maybe that was enough for Andrew to completely relax.

The way Neil's gaze was focused on Andrew, with the dim light coming through the shades making them look like pure flames. Once, Neil told him how he hated looking like his father, with those icy eyes and that reddish hair, but Andrew found them nothing but stunning. He never told him, he never told him anything. Andrew hoped that Neil knew it anyway.

Neil smiled slowly and Andrew felt that heat in his chest, locking him to reality. Resisting the urge to punch something, Andrew kept his gaze on Neil's. He studied his boyfriend's face, the scars running across his right cheek and the one right under his left eye, the chipped front tooth, the slightly crooked nose, a reminder of a violent match, and those light freckles he never told Neil he had noticed. 

He got rid of his black hoodie and laid on one side, facing the door, as usual. Neil did the same, quietly and without saying a word. There was some space between them, but Andrew could still feel Neil's breath against his skin. It was cool, almost cold, against his burning skin. That difference of heat made his face itch. Andrew fought against the need to scratch his nose.

«Yes or no?» he asked, his face an inch from Neil's. His hand rested between them, just a breath from Neil's skin and yet far enough to give him space if he needed.

Neil smiled again and Andrew clenched his jaw. Only God knew how much he loved that smile of his. «You already know the answer»

He did. But he needed to hear it from Neil.

«Yes or no?» he insisted, his eyes still locked in Neil's.

«Yes»

Andrew shifted a little closer, he wasn't sure about what he was doing, Neil must have noticed because he hid his hands behind his back. It was something he did, to prevent accidentally touching Andrew when he didn't want him to.

Andrew lifted a hand, slowly reaching Neil's face. When his fingers touched the other boy's skin, Andrew shivered for no apparent reason. Neil probably saw it because he bit his lower lip, Andrew thought he did that to keep himself from talking. He lowered his gaze from Neil's eyes to Neil's mouth and pressed his thumb on it. 

His heart skipped a beat when Neil gently kissed his finger. 

«131%» Andrew whispered, making Neil laugh quietly. He loved that small giggle Neil made when he was trying not to laugh.

Andrew continued tracing Neil's face with unsteady hands. He still couldn't stop making them tremble. He passed the tip of his index across the white scar, continuing until his finger stopped on Neil's jaw. He felt Neil pushing his face closer to Andrew's hand. 

«Doesn't the queen of exy need you?» his voice sounded a little raspy and shaky but neither Andrew nor Neil mentioned it.

Instead, Neil laughed a little. «Kevin can certainly wait»

Andrew nodded slowly, he was suddenly feeling tired. From that distance, Neil's eyes appeared even brighter and Andrew could simply name every single shade of color trapped in his irises. 

«You can sleep if you want» Neil smiled once again, seeing Neil smile was always an amazing surprise to Andrew, he was even more handsome when he smiled. Andrew didn't know how to say that. «I'll be here»

He knew it. Neil was always there for him and he hated him for that. Some days he wanted to punch him for being so gentle with him, he didn't feel like needing protection. He should have been the one who protected Neil, not the other way around.

«Just shut up» he gave Neil a death stare that didn't make anything but induce a small smile on Neil's face. 

Andrew unintentionally closed his eyes. He trusted Neil, he knew he would never hurt him so he let the guard down. He tried to reach Neil's hand, without opening his eyes. He felt his shoulder under his fingers and let them run across his arm until he finally caught his wrist. He tightened a bit the grip, pulling Neil's arm closer to him, and placed the boy's hand on his waist. 

He stiffened and shivered but tried to keep calm. He felt Neil's fingers twitch above his shirt but his touch was light and comforting. Andrew put an arm around Neil's waist and pulled him closer. Neil leaned against him, enough for Andrew to feel his hair tickle his skin but not enough to suffocate him. 

Andrew opened his eyes, finding Neil staring at him from below. He put his chin on top of Neil's head and murmured a sleepy «Staring»

Neil laughed and Andrew swore he could feel Neil's chest vibrate against his. He suddenly stopped when he realized how Andrew was trying not to freak out. «Is this okay?» he asked quietly, without moving the hand from when Andrew placed it. 

He just nodded.

Neil kept quiet for some time, his fingers still intertwined in Andrew's shirt, then he started talking about his day. 

He talked about the morning practice, the classes he had attended, how Kevin complained about the lack of protein shakes at the grocery store, how coming back from the store they found Nicky running across the hall of the Fox tower screaming about being late for his class. 

Andrew just listened to him, letting his voice lull him. 

Neil's voice was soft, a little raspy when he found himself stopping to breathe, low and calm. Andrew thought that maybe Neil didn't even acknowledge that, he wanted to say it to him. He never managed to find the right words.

Neil's voice was quiet and familiar, Andrew knew he was at home, just listening to Neil speaking.

But most importantly it was the only thing that made Andrew feel steady again.

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing in English so I hope I didn't make too many mistakes. I hope you enjoyed my little fanfiction.


End file.
